It’s been so long since my last blog, where has the time gone? Let’s get you up to speed.
Well woohoo 20 weeks of pregnancy down and 20 more to go! It sounds about as selfish as can be but I’m a little saddened by the idea of this little life no longer being inside of me. It’s turned out to be quite magical for me, although my husband may beg to differ.
I love feeling it’s little kicks and the excitement of finding out what we are having. I’ve gotten used to the idea of people wanting to touch my belly and commenting on it. I don’t look tremendously pregnant yet but I sure am starting to show! I love that taking care of me means taking care of a very small and delicate life that I and only I have a connection with. As a matter of fact, I’ve been so involved in this invisible connection that I seem to have lost touch with a few other things.
Like my mind. Not that I’m all spacey and goo-goo ga-ga on the brain but I have certainly noticed that my emotional episodes are slightly more enhanced by what I’m told is hormones. You don’t have to have a Phd to sense that my feelings are easily affected and I’m walking on an emotional tight rope. Now everyone knows that stress is harmful to babies in utero, thusly I try very hard to keep myself in check. On an occasional bad day I will let myself slip into tantrums involving my husband taking a verbal beating for not meeting all of my demands. (Sorry for that babe) but it all washes out in the end, right? Opening a restaurant is not high on the doctors list of to do’s while pregnant, especially not one with your family. Could you work with your mother, father, husband and siblings under that kind of stress? Just mull it over before you answer. It can be done, but not without a little bloodshed. This baby-mama duo needs to go to the beach and swim around in some water, pronto.
Now today of all days I did experience a little tantrum, perhaps brought on by some work stress. It does not help that I spent the first part of my day bent over a sink barfing up my breakfast. Traditionally morning sickness doesn’t go away and then come back, I’ve never been one for the traditional but we’ll see how this ball rolls.
Among my mind and emotional control, I’ve also lost control of my limbs. Oh yes, I’m kicking everything at ground level, doors, curbs, bed frames and stairs. Pretty soon I won’t even be able to see my feet and I can only imagine the broken toes I will suffer. Let’s not forget to give honorable mention to my hands, who have also lost their ability to grasp. Yes I’m amazing at dropping things. My chubby little fingers can’t seem to grab a potato chip without dropping 10. If there’s anything you’d like broken, I’ll come over and hold it for you!
Theres a great deal of physical and mental changes taking place. They are largely temporary and hopefully I’ll never forget this experience. I will never in my life get to have my first child again. I want nothing more than to make this really last.
A good friend of mine has given birth to her child that I watched her carry for 9 months. I’m so glad I got to watch her go through this first, although everyone is different it really helps to know you’re not alone. I realize this is a journey I will have to finish by my self, nobody will carry this baby for me, nobody will go into labor for me, and I really have to dig deep into a part of myself I haven’t had to use very much. A place of strength that nobody else may know I have, a place that cannot feel fear because this place has to be strong enough for all of me. I hope that I have gained enough experience to build that strong foundation because it will not only have to get me through labor but it will also have to carry me through years of motherhood. I have enough doubt in me about my abilities to make me wish I could change my mind, but then I realize that if I didn’t feel that serious doubt, I wouldn’t be taking this job seriously enough.
So for tonight I will rest my head peacefully, having said all I need to say for now.